A Horrible Ogre Barehanding a Tomato


A Friendly Message to my Family About Ettiquette

On my last day in Hawai'i,  my mother and sister suddenly protested my barehanding of vegetables.  I had been to a number of restaurants with them, and at each one I would order a salad without dressing.  All vegetables that are dry and not sticky I typically like to pick up with my hands.  But on this day Emily said angrily, "When in Rome!"

Now first of all, if I really had to do "as the Romans", then I would have to put dressing on my salad.  End of story.  You want me to be Roman?  Then dump me vat of thousand island.  But here you let me eat dry, raw vegetables - I'm already not in Rome.  Maybe I'm about in Afganistan on Mars.  

Secondly, to my sister, some people who criticize people (like she has done to myself) are referred to as "parochial".  I guess being un-Roman or my accuser being parochial is just a matter of her mood.

Americans grab veggies barehand, then dunk them in onion dip.  I'm really not imitating their first move - it only happens to be the same.  I wouldn't want to be the same as them, because by many standards the etiquette situation over there is pretty dire.  

So what's the principle behind "when in Rome, do as the Romans do"?  Imitation pure and simple.  

(photo by moi)

In America, I suppose I'd have to love war, get obese, read porno pages, watch four hours of TV every day, and be afraid of AIDS in order to be Roman.

Would be imitators (Romans) in China, would have to squeal their head off in public, urinate on the street, litter like a maniac and spit while making the sound of a capuccino machine at 110 decibels.  

A polite American.  
It eats its salad w/a fork, too.

So I have a proposition: 
Will people with greasy hands from fries who are holding spongy bread-enveloped sandwiches in their hands please refrain from telling me how to hold a vegetable?  Thanks.  

And those people who aren't holding anything, who are still un-American in some aspects: you shut up, too.  

Oh, and to you true Americans  - fat, TV-loving, trigger-happy, waving their red, white and blues: at least you're walking the walk - go brother!  On the 0% chance that I'd ever be on your turf eating in front of someone such as yourself, I'd eat my leaves with a fork anytime for you.  

On that day I'll say: " Forks up.  Fork us all.  I'll fork anything that moves!" just like Dennis Hopper said in Blue Velvet



Photo Gallery

Do you have a sister?  Yow!

This is just awesome.

Savage Japanese in backwards times using barbaric "chopsticks".  Wow, do they brainwash those kids early!

This boy is of Japaenese ancestry, but he's learning his US etiquette fast.  Good boy!

"Mommy could I snatch one of those pepper slices?" "Not unless you want me to spank you 'till you bleed, dear :)"

"Mmm!  Being Ashkenazi Mafia Porn Leader, excessive wanking, and seeing prostitutes three days a week on Viagra has made me a bit hungry!  Think I'll dig into one of these!  Oops!  I was just wanking!  No matter, 'When in the Jewnited States, do as the Jew Yorkers do!'" - Jew Hefner

  See, Americans don't use their hands on their salad, they're too technologically advanced.  They have "salad hands" for sale everywhere and oodles of land without trees because of it.  I wish I was joking here, but I'm not.

Darn!  This isn't even salad!  Can you say 1st degree felony?!  And I hope that yellow-orange stuff on her hand is just some low-grade henna and not some other yellow-orange material I know of.

Woah.  Now the Koreans are doing it.  They're just dying for an A-bomb on Pusan, aren't they?

Some internet geek tried to make it look like Americans ate vegetables with their hands in the 50's.  We're not buying it, loser.

Just for legal reference: all these items here should be eaten with bare hands.  The grease from the fries saves on Vaseline money and you can donate it to your favorite charity.

Another criminal.  C'mon, send us another picture with your face in it - if you dare!

An American Giraffe on vacation in Africa.  He bare-hooves everything while in Africa because that's what the natives do.  But when he goes back to the US, it's back to using forks for spearing his leaves.

End of rant. 

(Anti-barehanded vegetablists can email me with your comments at mindyourownbeezwax@veggielover.com

Indians, fellow Hindus, Swamis and other pro-barehanded vegetablists can email me at illcookudinner@veggielover.com)