Bogus Test for Foreign Experts Living in Nanjing, China in late 2008

Page by page gore assessment:

#1 Problems: Why is the first question that a foreigner need to answer about China concerning food?  Also, there is a "Mid-Autumn Festival", but not a "mid-autumn day".  The first three choices are capitalized, but "hamburger" is not.  Discrimination against hamburgers in favor of lunar sugarbombs?

#2 Problems: How did we get there from hamburgers?  Why is "psychological" capitalized?  This is called this by whom?  Context?

#4 Problems: If you won't give me Chinese characters (funny thing to do in China, esp. to people called experts), then at least give me proper romanization.  Caoyangwangfutingtongpang not only looks terrible, but it makes no sense.  Add the tone markings or write in Chinese.

Overall problems:  registration for the test not based on email address - anyone can sign up from any computer.  Questions on random subjects.  Test is supposedly for experts in China, but given in chingalisha.

Page two:

#6 Problems:  I don't see "simian" in the options.

#7 Problems:  That's an amazing question for an expert.  Next thing they'll ask us what 2+2 equals.  Wait a minute, no they wouldn't, because that would be on the same subject.

#8 Problems: Expensive compared to what?  Bought with what, rice?

#10 Problems: I think that a) a Chinese would answer this correctly and b) the fact that they could answer this correctly contains clues to why Chinese are party poopers.

Page three:

#12 Problems: I don't study blossoms.  Can I still live in China, sir?

#13 Problems: "Cloze" (a reading test) is being used in an overly-rastibidious fashion, as if the author had no jentation.

I was really hoping for a question on zoology on this page, but I didn't have any luck.

Page four:

#19 Problems:  These answers were all wrong, so I wrote in, "Ting Tong, Tong Ting".
#20 Problems:  Interesting question, but we're in China, not Britain.
#21 Problems:  The miracles of the trinity: HK, Macau, and the mainland are all aspects of Motherland China.  Three is one, one is three.  But Chinese need a visa to see all these aspects in their contradictory glory.  Oh I didn't mean visa - heresy, sorry!  I meant a visitor's pass that you have to go to the police station to file for.  On any clear day you can see the mysterious hello monkeys lined up like soviets for toilet paper outside the city police station to get these passes.  Just miraculous!

Page five:

#26 Problems:  If Chinese think four is unlucky, maybe they should:
1. Chop off one of their four limbs
2. Saw off one leg on every one of their four-legged chairs and tables
3. Take off one of the four tires of every vehicle on the road.
4. Extend the logic that s sounds like sĭ, and stop using the linking-verb is (sh) because it sounds like fecal matter (shĭ).
5. Vaporize themselves so they don't have to worry about the number four anymore.

Page six:

Page seven:

#37 Problems: I'm getting a test question on Mark Twain by a hello-monkey language rapist from China.

Page eight:

Proper Chingalisha spelling mees-a-stakes:

Another (certainly not the last) insult:

Chinese enjoy belittling foreigners by assuming they are as criminally stupid as themselves.  This test goes along in the same vein as "wow you can use chopsticks", "oh my gourd you can say 'ni hao'", "is really you canna kook for yourserf?" etc.  I even had a guy act totally amazed that I can ride a bike.

This test also shows that Chinese will not try to force you to speak Chinese when you get here.  No, no, no.  You have to pay for that.  No, you'll have to speak English while in China, and listen to the most God-awful, butchered-up, gagging-duck English you've ever heard in your life.  If you had wanted to learn Chinese, you should have gone to Japan.