Let's agreeing, OK?

Eenglisha es a eenternational language.  My study Eenglisha help I meet a much a-money.  I'm father she want a me study much Eenglisha.  I'm don't a like eet-a.  For breakfirst my eat bread and a milk.  You have two heads.  But a I'm like sleeping, basketballs and a footaball.  I'm study many year Eenglisha, butta before I'm not a study much Chineeza.  

Therefore, I'm Chinese es notta weel, but a I can heelp you, yes?  I'm think you are veddy handsome a man.  You have individual special.  You just a came here to I'm webba page, no?  But a my think that you - yes you!  You es mine old a friend.  Gouda friend.  You understand my meaning?  You teach a me Eengalisha, I teach a you Chineeza.  You see?  Doubly win.  

Literal translation:

English is the international language.  By studying English I can make more money.  My father made me study English.  I didn't like it.  For breakfast I eat bread and milk.  You have two hands.  I like sleeping in and playing basketball and soccer.  I've studied English for many years, so I haven't studied much Chinese.

So my Chinese isn't good, but I can help you, right?  I think you are handsome.  You have personality.  You just came to my web page, right?  But I think that you - yes you! - are an old friend.  A good friend.  Do you understand?  You teach me English, and I teach you Chinese.  You see?  We both win.

Idiomatic translation:

I think everyone who isn't Chinese speaks English.  I will get rich by learning it.  My father forced me to study English.  I didn't like him pushing me around.  I want my hot rice cereal breakfast in the morning without arguments.  He has two hands, he can make it.  I've been learning this Chinglish for many years, which has supplanted much of my learning of the Chinese language.

So I'm not even really good at Chinese, but you won't know the difference, right?  I'll flatter you just to make sure you agree.  In China learning Chinese should be mandatory, but I'll pretend that you should pay to speak Chinese while you're in China.  If you believe my lies I'll get free English lessons.