danielian maximus 1
The danielian maximus blowing carbon dioxide bubbles

Several well-known biologists have begun their search for the curious
quasi-bipedal mammal, the danielian maxiumus. It was last sighted in the foothles* of Golden Colorado more than ten years ago. Scientists are seeking to save the specie.

Two of its ears can can go under water, but two others cannot. It has two legs that reach the ground and propel the animal to walk upright, but two other legs hang from its side, below its second head. The second head blows carbon dioxide bubbles, the significance of which are yet to be understood. (Some biologists propose that the bubbles may be the animal's crude and questionable defense against cooties. This theory would comport with the idea that several danielians were propelled away from their native habitat by cootie infections.) One of the danielian heads wakes up at four in the morning, then wakes the other head up at seven. It likes wading in ravines and slurping up Rhondi specials.

danielian maximus 2
The danielian maximus in its restricted habitat

Unfortunately, danielian habitat has been severely restricted by mass construction of highways and over population of chevvies, which vastly restrict much needed parking space required by sunbathing danielians.

tamian nebulosa
The tamian nebulosa doing its oddly human "smirk"

Yet more curious are the foraging habits of the danielian maxiumus, roaming in supermarkets for kiefir and wheat thins - which it strangely sacrifices to whitewater rivers as if performing a religious rite. The danielian can store up to five pounds of toasted-wheat yogurt mix for up to five days on long excursions in search of Chinese takeout. Probably to aid digestion, the two extra arms turn backwards and self-massage the back of the danielian every morning during sunbathing.

spawning wheatthins, making their long journey into wheatfatdom
Spawning wheatthins, making their long journey into wheatfatdom

Tragically this important source of food for the danielians has been restricted in recent years as well. Squinty-eyed chestlets of flied lice have been giving way to ravenous hordes of flesh bled, which drool butter drips and grow out marvelous manes - but are in no way to be mistaken for authentic fare of the danielian maximus. Would the danielian roam so far as to hitch onto an Alaskan boat, cross the former Bering Straight, and descend the Mongolian steppes to attain sinatic suppers? Kiefer is now only sold in a few select markets, and typically in low-fat, non-delicious forms. Wheat thins, too, have been on the decline. Most of them have gone via whitewater ravines to greener pastures down south, where they can mature into wheatfats and produce more diverse offspring like triscuits, nilla wafers, and ritz crackers.

oosian opilio
The oosian opilio found in a wooden cave

Where has DM gone? Has it been needled to a tree branch by an irascible and irrational rafaka? And beyond the whereabouts of the danielian maximus, there are yet more riddles for biologists to solve. Is it related to tamian nebulosa or the oosian opilio? The scientific community anxiously awaits the study's results, which will be announced at the next Science Convention this fall.



*the danielian pronunciation of "foothills", IPA /fƏðlz/     back