The Apple Conference

Shenzhen, China, 2011/12

Warning: The following article contains words and concepts offensive to Chinese penguins, Oprah, and Schmucky Schlongtwaddler.[1] Anyone who reads this may be considered a racist, pedophile or folk dancer. References to persons, things or substances that happen to be fictional is purely cointentional.

apple conference, Chinese inside thinking of
                    smoking

Not meI didn't take these pictures. These pictures were left by a mysterious criminal in a burqua on the sidewalk on a USB disk. It said, "Shh!" and ran away.

M's big speech



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Copying, linking to, "uploading" to the "internet", viewing in groups of over two, looking at, breathing on or pointing at any material herein will be subject to maximum $200,000 fine and/or Whitney Houston songs. Have a nice day.


Terminology:

*For a more extensive guide on Chinglish, go here.
Chinglish Term
English Meaning
Example
Epu
Apple™ (Computer®)
I yuza dee epu.
oh my Gold
golly gee willackers
Oh my Gold! You scaywd me!
taw beewdeen
skyscraper
I wiv een a taw beewdeen.
meewka shuga
lactose
I canta to haw da meewka shuga.
Masta of de
Engwish wangwidge
Elmer Fudd;
Baba Wawa
Mista Hu iza Masta of de
Engwish wangwidge.
confwence
large formal gathering
di Epu confwence
pipu
vertically ambulating
bipedal mammalians
Dey a so mungy pipu hee!
Too clouded!
dida YU havu lunch?
hi
Dida YU havu lunch? How a YU?
subbaway
an underground
transportation unit,
kinda like a long Ford
on steel bars
YU shudda take
da subbaway tu woka.
my finance
my future husband
Looka ata my gnu ling!
My finance gave it to me.
da chicken
the room used
for cooking meals
My mada is in da chicken.
uman
a vertically ambulating
bipedal mammalian
that likes shopping
I em a uman.
men
a vertically ambulating
bipedal mammalian
that can fix things
You ah a men.
leave
to stay
Where a you leaving?


How to Spot a Local Female Chinese

(NB: Hong Kong is not China)
  1. Extremely economical dress.[1] Not one thread wasted on, say, covering her skin. Snow or pregnancy have no effect.[2]
  2. When doesn't understand something, exclaims "Oh my Gold!" and laughs.
  3. Has bell bottoms covering up her high heel shoes. (As if you wouldn't notice the pelvis thrusted forward and still think she's really that tall)
  4. Wears makeup to mud wrestling
  5. Thinks it's amazing you can cook for yourself
  6. Thinks it's amazing hair grows on your face
  7. Stands in places which block everyone else's movement
  8. Leaves chairs and bags in walkways to block pipu
  9. Mysteriously and suddenly stops while fifty pipu are walking right behind
  10. Sleeps with anything that speaks English, including your new iPhone 4S
  11. Is a virgin...today
guess which ones are Chinese
Based on the above information, can YOU guess which ones are Chinese?


Apple Sales Initiative China (AKA The Mianzi Project)

Miànzi: "Face", honor, i.e., something $$ to play games on while smoking in elevators or nose picking while sitting in the handicapped seat in the subbaway.

Path to Apple Sales Success

Meika Epu Plowducts mo ekaspensiw wow atta da sem time incwudeen mo geimza. Translation:
  1. Keep price high or make it higher, making it braggable
  2. Do more innovative apps, like Slingshootin Chickenz Projectyalator™
App idea: a sensor with iProduct app for plants that allows Chinese to talk about prices, salary and GDP with their domestic plants. More specifically, it allows them to ask the plants how much the pot cost, how much their monthly salary is, and what is their annual yield. Typically the plant doesn't ask anything except "How's the weather".


Accusations of Oregano Use

oregano possession
Emily Clark was found transporting mass quantities of oreganic doobage in bags and bottles across Chinese entry customs in Hong Kong. Her target buyer was her brother, otherwise known as "Emily Clark's Brother". Emily Clark's Brother strongly denied the charges, stating he "just wanted to make some spaghetti."

[pictured at left: ECB gets his oregano stash out of the freezer, getting ready to make "riwi guda spagerti".]

Conspiracy Theories

It is said that Steve Jobs created expensive GPS devices to track the movement of rich elevator smokers in China who were later to become the chief consumers of his company's products. [1] [2] Debunkers claim [3] [4] that this is impossible, because elevator smokers are an urban myth. Humans breathe air, not smoke, therefore Jobs would have never wished to track the "elevator smokers" any more than the tooth fairy or smart women. However both conspiracy theorists and sheeple agree that Apple meetings under Job's direction - even when in China - were always mysteriously smoke-free.[credentialled windbag needed]

Other conspiracy theorists claim he has telepathic conversations with Chinese elevator smokers via a button on his chin. This explains the sudden success of Apple products in China in 2011, and also explains why he was always putting his finger on his chin in black and white pictures.[5] [6]

Alleged Jewishness

Jobs is alleged to be a fake name used by Moshe Arbeitberg-Jandali, the son of Syrian jews who were forced to leave during a government crackdown on organized crime.

Highly accredited journalists in the US responded to his jewishness by kvetching and saying that he was simply Syrian. His parents' reason going for to the US was to escape persecution.


No Fireworks at the Convention

Apple Corporation has been at the forefront of China-based education efforts aimed at dispeling the notion that fireworks attract the money diety, replacing them with the well-established and scientifically understood fact that fireworks cause the money god to run away, then go into hiding at local fireworks stores - particularly by the cash register area of said store. Apple Corporation has found the most effective method of education is having huge conventions with exhorbitant profits in luxurious surroundings, providing fantastic food and clean bathrooms - all without fireworks. Then when the participants return to Weedhole, China, find reeking bathrooms, food laced with sewer-oil, opium and fried insects, all the while having mini-nukes going off at one-hour intervals, the reality of what attracts and repels the money god becomes self-evident.

Money god runs from fireworks
Mrtao.com Exclusive Photo: Chinese money god seen running from fireworks


Chinese money god hides happily behind fireworks
                  store cash register
Chinese money god hiding happily behind fireworks store cash register

Stupid Chinese scaring the money god away from
                  themselves, ensuring a lifetime of poverty, stinky
                  bathrooms, and food laced with sewer oil
Chinese scaring the money god away from themselves, ensuring
a lifetime of poverty, stinky bathrooms, and food laced with sewer oil


Smoke-free Convention

The strict enforcement of anti-smoking measures at the convention also served to dispel the uniquely Chinese notion that, if you don't suck fags, you can't make money or do business.

However, the fact that the majority of Apple Corporation's profits come from smoking Chinese gamers remains unchanged.

This is Apple Corporation's new target consumer


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Riweited Winks:

Chinglish

Barehanded Vegetable Eater