Welcome to Mr.Tao.com!

When browsing this website, please pay attention to the following tips:

1) Non-blue links = in-site. These are highly recommended clicking for full enjoyment of the medium, for example the orange "Old Man Fu", "F4" and KFC links in the article below. The goal is to create a kind of 3D text, a user-controlled book. But if you don't ever click on any of these links, you'll find your "mr.tao.com" experience like chewing parrafin. You'll also find yourself clueless about cultural details and important personal info about Me.

2) All thumbnail-like pictures are links to larger pictures with included articles. It's critical to click on the thumbnails in the site, e.g. the "photos" section. Without looking at pics, you won't be able to read many articles.

And now, shhh!

(Mr. Tao's)


Everybody get ready, Mr. Tao is coming!

[Mr. Tao enters the classroom]

[Students make an exaggerated gasp, together let out a huge "Whoa!" and begin feverishly chatting about his clothes and outrageous hair]

[Mr. Tao says:]

I'm a composer and classical guitar performer from Ohio, USA. [At this time he waves his CD "Nocht" in the air for students to see, then says very mechanically:] I hope we can all be very good friends.

[His smile suddenly disappears, clears his throat and begins:] The class rules are as follows:

No reading "Old Man Fu" cartoons in class, or I'll confiscate the books for closer examination in my office. [students moan]

No possession of "F4" (a shameless boy band) propaganda in class. [wags his finger] I'm afraid to inform you that their concerts are all lip-sync-ed. It's my displeasure to inform you that dancing groups with that dorky microphone strap around their head are all faking it - because you can't sing when you're panting and street dancing. ("Manilli-Vanilli-gate" is coming soon to China!)

No crying allowed in class. When cruelly forced to speak English, breaking out in tears will be met with castigation. If you want to cry, then go home to your daddy - but there'll be no crybabies in my class.

Girls: no getting a crush on the teacher. Now I'm more than willing to be your "uncle", but that time we went clothes shopping together and had a sundae at McDonald's was all an act of your imagination. Wake up and smell the tea.

Boys: I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't keep staring at that hopeless cause sitting in the adjacent row. You know something? She doesn't like you. Just keep checking your words on your electronic dictionary, scribbling sentences into your text book - and forget about asking her to KFC this weekend.

To the boy in the front: I can see you're playing "Tetris" on your e-dictionary and not doing the assignment. As if this weren't bad enough, you're also playing foreign games!

If you were any kind of self-respecting Chinese you'd play Concretis a liquefied and particularly Chinese style of block dropping. Be a good Chinese boy and play with concrete for Mao's sake.

In short: the basis of a stable society is naturally built upon concrete and the holy principle: Fun Things are Evil and Boring Things Sacred.

If you continue your assiduous studies in China, you too can become the proud wearer of a gloomy-colored, third-rate western suit and get a redundant office job. Then you can spend each and every day of your life drinking green tea, smoking and playing solitaire on the office computer.

Girls can look forward to becoming a fixed asset in the aforementioned man's home, just like a furniture set. You can also be his babysitter and hair washer, that is, even though his teeth are black and breath stinks (from drinking green tea and smoking all day), he pays the house bills and gives you a credit card! Your brilliant future awaits you....

Scientia est potens, my friends!

[Mr. Tao suddenly becomes aware of the class atmosphere and notices a student in the middle row sleeping and drooling on his desk]

Uh time's up, kids...please go home and explore other areas of the site, thanks. End of class.

Class related links:

TV documentary about Ian's life (in screen shots)

Ian's IQ

Chinese Resume

English Songs Used in Class

Mrtao.com, where you can experience Ian Clark's music, art, poetry and photography! Yes!